Boundaries for ND Leaders

Boundaries have become a much bigger deal in the workplace in recent years, especially with the pandemic.  But even before the pandemic, the #metoo movement was sweeping the media, and long before that, people of color and women had been asking for basic respect in the workplace for decades.  We’re still working on this.

There’s a lot of back and forth about what is acceptable in workplace culture, vs what is so egregiously out of line that a court of law has to step in to say it wasn’t okay, and lawmakers have to step up and make it illegal everywhere.

And most of what ends up getting to that point often has to do with someone crossing someone else’s boundaries.

What are Boundaries?

Boundaries are “the lines that people set for themselves to define what behaviors are acceptable for them.” They can be physical, emotional, or psychological. They can change with time or space.  Boundaries can be used to express what a person deems acceptable or unacceptable, and to state their needs and wants in a clear way.  (Thank you, Google AI, for this pretty comprehensive definition.)

It can be really hard for some people to hear and respect the boundaries of others because it makes them feel bad that they misstepped in the first place.  Often their first reaction to hearing that they’ve crossed a boundary is defensiveness, and they may try to make the person whose boundary they crossed in the first place feel like they are in the wrong, or just being unreasonable or silly for having the boundary in the first place.  This is a type of gaslighting.  (And I got to experience it in a professional capacity in my last job… it was when I realized I couldn’t work there anymore.)

Why are Boundaries important?

Besides the reasons in the graphic above, respecting boundaries can also keep you and your organization out of trouble.  I have been teaching the following to people for years regarding boundaries:

• Doing/saying something unwanted by accident = rude

• Doing/saying something unwanted on purpose = mean

• Doing/saying something unwanted repeatedly = bullying

• Bullying = Harassment

If someone asks you to stop doing something, stop.

Not just in that moment. Forever.

Boundaries Done Wrong

I recently realized that one of the issues I had with my former boss was his lack of boundaries.  He had almost none for himself, and so didn’t respect the boundaries of others.  His lack of boundaries for himself was annoying for a long time, especially when he did put the occasional boundary into place, but never explicitly said what they were.  He would just wander off and leave me to deal with things alone.  

Because of his lack of boundaries, he didn’t understand other people’s.  

For example:

He went to church right next door to the building we were working in, so when people wanted to chat about his work there, and give him a crap ton of donations, it was no big deal to him.  So he didn’t understand why I would get frustrated that people at my own church (across two towns from the building we worked out of) wanted to do the same to me.  Ignoring the fact that he had help ready to get it to the proper place right there, whereas I would have to load it into my tiny car, drive it to my workplace, and then unload it from my tiny car, on my day off, so that I could then utilize my car for the rest of the weekend, it was also a burden on my mental health.

It didn’t bother him when other people used our space and didn’t put things away properly or broke our equipment, because he wasn’t the one who had to take care of it.

He didn’t mind giving his phone number out to random people he just met at a networking event, so why would any of the women he worked with mind if he gave their phone numbers out (without asking), as well?  And since he had to answer strange numbers constantly, anyway, he didn’t even need to warn any of us that he had given our number out.  (Side note: a friend of mine actually called him on this and directly asked him to stop doing it, after I left, and he did it to her again.)

An issue came up between some of the people we served that was causing a lot of drama among the wider community.  He wanted to just have a “meditation” meeting to tell them both to knock it off and be done with it.  When I pointed out that the WOMAN who was wronged by a MAN wouldn’t feel safe being put into a room with him at that time, my former boss got so upset at my standing up to him in this situation that he had to leave the room.

And finally, when he brought up a suggestion that I felt endangered the safety of myself, my family, the people we served, and their families, and I said so, he completely ignored my concerns, refused to interview any stakeholders about the change, and just forced us to do it.  When I complained to his superiors about it (since he was also HR), he proceeded to treat me not like a person with boundaries to be respected, or even like an adult who had very clear and serious concerns about safety, but rather, like an insubordinate child who was just throwing a temper tantrum to get her way.  (This was the beginning of my end at the organization.)

Boundaries Done Right

One of the first things I did right as I stepped into leadership was to put effort into understanding the importance of boundaries.  Some of my favorite leaders, before I became one, were the ones who made sure I was taking my breaks on time, and checking in to make sure I wasn’t overwhelmed.

I really appreciated a former boss who told me that I could use sick time for mental health days as well, not just for when I was deathly ill.  That same boss put a rule into place that we needed to tell the team whenever we went to lunch, so that everyone knew not to bother us during that time.  She even tried to get us to count the times we were thinking about work as work hours (this was more as an element of self-care… we were working in an organization doing things that people really only do if they are passionate about it, so it’s hard to turn it off when work is done).  And if we worked extra hours one day, we were expected to take that time off on another day that week (even though we were salaried).  She could see me burning out, felt it in herself as well, and was doing what she could to help us both by establishing these boundaries from the organization side of things.

So when I was in a leadership position over others, I reminded them to take their lunch breaks.  When I hired new team members, I made sure they knew that any emails I sent them were not to be answered until they were working again (I just needed to send those thoughts before I forgot them).

When someone was sick, I let them be sick… I didn’t guilt them because we needed more help, and I didn’t bother them on their day off.  I didn’t want to catch whatever they had, so I was happy to let them rest at home.  This was made easier by my having SOPs and backup plans in place, so that we could still function without that person there.  I often set deadlines a week or so early, so that we could have something in place should something like this happen.

When someone was on vacation, I let them be on vacation.  I told them not to check their email while they were gone, and I wouldn’t call or text them while they were out (even when they told me they would be available).  I also wanted to hear all about their trip when they got back, because I want to live vicariously.

How to Start a Company Culture of Respecting Boundaries

• Be clear about your own boundaries

  • Work hours

  • What you can help with

  • When you are going on vacation (and whether you will be reachable– I suggest not, but exceptions can be made in certain professions)

  • What you find to be unsafe

  • What you have found does not work for you in creating an environment you can do your best work in (think: lighting, noise levels, etc.)

• Encourage others to set their own boundaries and to stick to them

  • I tend to jokingly ask why they are responding to me at midnight (and things like that… no one needs to get into trouble, but pointing out that you notice builds trust)

  • Remind them to take their breaks (also builds trust)

  • Remind them to go home at the end of the work day.

  • Do not communicate with them when they are out sick, on vacation, or otherwise on leave.

• Respect the boundaries of others.

  • Don’t bother them with work when they are off-the-clock or on a break

  • Ask before initiating any physical contact

  • Learn how to pronounce their name correctly, and what they prefer to be addressed as

  • UNDERSTAND: You do not get to decide if their boundary is ridiculous/unnecessary/silly/etc.  Something outside of your knowledge (that is none of your business) may have happened to make them feel unsafe if that boundary is crossed.

  • If someone tells you that you have crossed their boundary, or if they set a boundary that you’ve never experienced before, do not get offended.  Just apologize.  Take accountability and move forward in kindness.

• Do not let others cross your boundaries

  • I keep thinking of that line from The Little Mermaid, “You give them an inch, they swim all over you.” I know it’s an older quote, but it’s easier for me to remember in Sebastian’s voice.

  • The more they get to push your boundaries, the more they will.  And when you call them on it, they’ll act like it was your fault because you didn’t hold your boundaries in the first place.

Boundaries in the Future

For my part, I’m raising my daughter to be clear about her boundaries, respect those of others, and to demand respect for her own.  Just a couple weeks ago, this six year old told me that she stopped hanging out with a kid because he wasn’t respecting her boundaries.  And last week, she did not get into trouble for hitting a kid back (who had been hitting her and ignoring both her and the teacher telling her not to), because she yelled at him to respect her boundaries as she did it.

I’m not the only one.  As much as Gen Z is coming up with boundaries for themselves and upsetting the way things are in the current workplace, wait till you see Gen Alpha.  It’s going to be so ingrained in them that they will walk away at the first sign of crossing boundaries.

As leaders, we would do better to err on the side of respect and not let boundary crossing even become an issue in the first place.  Start practicing now, and you will find that more people will want to be on your team than you can handle.