Effective Communication: The Art of Saying the Right Thing, the Right Way, at the Right Time
Theme: Communication
Introduction
Lack of communication, in storytelling, is often a way to drive the plot. Sometimes it creates mystery, confusion, frustration. You rarely have a TV show that has entertaining drama where everyone already knows all the details. And while it can create some fantastic entertainment, it's also not a great way to set up the culture in your business or organization and expect to get anything done.
I used to say that there’s no such thing as overcommunication. This generally worked for me, as a leader, because most people are chronic under-communicators. I felt like I was working overtime making sure everyone had all the information that they needed (including myself, from other people) and things still fell through the cracks, because while people cared enough to show up and have a say, they didn’t necessarily want to be concerned with being the one to make it happen.
Things like everyone in a meeting agreeing on the path forward and that the next step should be taken, but no one actually stepped forward to be responsible for the next step… so it never happened. This would be especially annoying when I did the next 8 steps after that, but no one outside the group would ever know, because the next step was getting those next 8 steps into the program that would show everyone what they were. Because of the multiple times I’ve experienced this, even before I was in a leadership position, I began clarifying whenever a decision was reached: WHO is responsible for it?
I don’t make the mistake of telling anyone that there’s no such things as overcommunication anymore, because I briefly had an over-communicator join my team. She was a lovely, kind young woman who had verbal diarrhea and wouldn’t let anyone get a word in edgewise. She would tell us every miniscule detail of her day, which often had nothing to do with the subject matter at hand, and she would not stop. Even then, I recognized that she couldn’t help herself. And looking back, I recognize that she was neurodivergent, too. I even see some of my younger self (before I was crushed by the NT corporate machine) reflected back at me, but ten-fold.
She made it impossible to get work done because:
I couldn’t tell her what she needed to do, and
I couldn’t tell her that I needed to leave.
And she wasn’t reading my physical cues, either (opening my mouth and taking a breath to speak, holding up my hand like I was her student, etc.). I wish I had tried asking her if she knew this about herself and working out a signal for her to look for. That was a leadership failure on my part.
So, I learned my lesson. I don’t say that anymore. Instead, I specifically focus on 3 key aspects of communication:
What
How
When
Communication is the act of being heard (not just with ears), and making sure that the appropriate people understand the appropriate information at the appropriate time in order to accomplish your goals. This is probably the biggest struggle for leaders, neurodivergent or not, and can lead to the biggest internal disasters when done wrong, or the greatest organizational successes, when done right.
(Apologies, in advance. This is one of my longer blog posts, and I’ve definitely edited A LOT out… it’s just such a broad term.)
Key Insights
When I say “being heard* (not just with ears),” I mean that there is a difference between hearing THAT someone is speaking (or seeing that someone has told you something/ written to you/ etc.), and actually internalizing that information. This is usually differentiated by hearing vs. listening, in which hearing is considered passive, and listening is more active. This handy chart from an article posted earlier this year on Very Well Mind illustrates the point:
*(My argument for using “heard” is that I made it active with a verb in front because I couldn’t figure out how to make “listen” fit there, grammatically.)
In order to be heard (actively listened to), as a leader, you need to be aware of what you are communicating, how you are communicating it, and when.
What: What you communicate can also be broken down into 3 questions:
Whether?: Should you communicate this fact to this person at all? Is it useful to them in order for them to complete the task at hand? Or is it overwhelming them with information they don’t need right now, because you either can’t stop or are trying to CYA?
Essential Info?: What is the essential information that they do need to know in order to accomplish their goals?
Why?: Once they’ve gotten enough of a grasp of the essential information that they start asking questions (especially questions regarding why we do things this way and not another way), I like to give them a little more background.
How: How you communicate has 2 main parts:
Method: Are you telling them this news directly and in-person? Are you texting? Calling? Emailing? There are different unspoken rules for different forms of communication, including when and how to use them.
Tone & Body Language: This is often hard for ND folx, but the WAY we say things (the tone in our voice and the way we structure our sentences) can often be an avenue of miscommunication with neurotypicals. Many will often hear HOW you say something over what you are actually saying and read into it to come away from the interaction with an entirely different message than what you actually said. If you throw confusing body language in there, too, they will be lost. As entertaining as it may be when you don’t have a stake in the game, this serves to cause further confusion in a space where you are trying to get things done.
When: When you communicate is all about timing and has 2 things to consider:
Giving enough time: When giving an assignment, setting up an event or meeting, or really anything having to do with a deadline/specific date or time, it’s important to communicate it with enough time for the person to see it, prepare for it, and respond. I’m of the opinion that the more time they are given, the better, and then you can add in friendly reminders as needed. As a leader, I like to give an earlier deadline than is necessary, so I have time to review or step in, if needed.
Are they emotionally/mentally able to hear it?: The bottom line is that if someone is not in the headspace to actively listen to you, they will only passively hear you. If they are overwhelmed, whatever you say could just be adding onto that overwhelm and crushing them further. There are ways to communicate that avoid this, if you approach with care.
Examples
Positive Example: How I Mediate
I’ve spent a lot of time in my past work life mediating issues between clients, between clients and team members, or between team members. The first step was always to get everyone into a headspace where they weren’t on high alert, anymore. They needed to be in an OK Zone (mentally) to even attempt to listen, rather than think of their next defense or argument about why they did what they did. I then asked each party what happened, from their perspective, making sure the other(s) did not interrupt to argue, and that the language and accusations did not become inflammatory. We needed to all agree that it was a respectful space. For most of these meetings, there were already clear consequences in place for the actors, based on what their actions were.
Once each person got a chance to explain their perspective, I would ask questions of them regarding whether they could see the other person’s point of view. I would ask them what they each thought the best way to move forward was. And I would ask if they considered what they each could have done differently before getting to the point that I needed to step in (for future reference). If they were unable to come to a compromise in the mediation, I would step in to make the most fair decision, that met with our goals and our mission.
This process, while not PERFECT, served to de-escalate most situations, help each party see where their communication broke down, why it was necessary to communicate certain things, and how they should do so in the future. It also gave them control over the process, so they were more willing to listen to what was being communicated, rather than focusing on defending themselves. It’s a process I developed over years of sitting through badly mediated meetings, myself, where I was never in the right mindset from the beginning, and, therefore, never felt like my side of the story was heard by anyone else. When my time came, I approached it with much self-reflection and the commitment to make sure everyone was actively listening.
Negative Example: From the Client Perspective
I have a ton of negative leadership communication examples littered throughout my blog, but I have a story that happened this month that I can tell from the client/customer perspective. It was apparent to me, even as a client, that communication in this organization was broken from the leadership level on down. And when the CLIENT can tell, that’s not a good thing.
Without going into too many details, I submitted a concern to a corporate office. This concern affected my FAMILY, personally, as well as many others we knew, and was something that needed to be addressed ASAP. I was not the only person I knew submitting similar concerns, as it was a community issue.
About a week after emailing my official form with a 3 page attachment detailing my concerns, I received a form letter informing me that they received my official complaint and they’d get to me when they got to me. Here’s the bullet point version of what happened:
After waiting for nearly a month for a response, I got 3 calls in less than 24 hours in an attempt to meet with me. (One at the end of the work day, one at the beginning of the work day, and one at lunch.)
The last call left a message with the date and time they had scheduled an in-person meeting with me. They never actually spoke with me.
I called them late that night and left a message letting them know that
I was not available at that time.
I did not appreciate having appointments set FOR ME without ever having spoken to me or having received a communication from me in response.
3 calls in less than 24 hours is excessive.
If they wanted to speak to me further, EMAIL would be best.
And then I heard nothing… but we got word that our problem was solved the next day, so I assumed that the case was closed. Until…
A week later, when I got a call at 1:15 pm to confirm my 2 pm appointment that I had left a message cancelling a week before. I did not pick up or return to call. I let them deal with the consequences of their own actions.
And then at the end of the day that Friday, I sent an email to the person I was supposed to meet with giving dates and times of what had happened, and letting them know that it was not my intention to stand them up, and I did everything I could to let them know that time didn’t work for me. The failure was on their part.
I let them know that I didn’t need to have a meeting to feel heard.
I also thanked them for solving our issue and let them know that if they wanted to speak with me further, EMAIL would be best.
I enjoyed my weekend and then received a CERTIFIED LETTER on Monday morning thanking me for letting them know of my concerns, that they tried to have a meeting with me, and that they considered the case closed, but they were not going to share the results with me to protect privacy. (It was clear this was sent before my email.)
I had just enough time to text a friend I knew was also dealing with them about what had happened before I received a PHONE CALL from the person I was supposed to meet. She left a voicemail saying she received my email, and had sent the letter, and she wanted to chat about what I put in the email.
This is when I realized I was trapped in HR Hell. I had messed up their narrative by sending my very clear communication in writing, via email (so it was timestamped), and now they were doing damage control. BUT I don’t work for these people. My livelihood is not on the line, and I already got what I want out of this whole situation. So I had a little fun with it.
I sat on it a few more days and then wrote ANOTHER email letting them know I received their certified letter and their phone call, but I am unavailable to speak during their work hours and they have already proven they don’t check their voicemail.
I once again reiterated that I can be reached VIA EMAIL
I let them know I was not trying to start another investigation, but that I help organizations with leadership and processes for a living, so they could consider my comments a free mini-audit.
I said that while I appreciate receiving certified mail, as a taxpayer (this was a publicly funded office), I would prefer they not send me a certified letter in response.
It has been over a week and I have not received another response.
This whole fiasco was a matter of the office following procedures over listening to what I was saying. It felt like a power play that rubbed me the wrong way, and it was wholly inappropriate for how to treat anyone you are serving. I’ve never had a job or encounter where you could make in-person appointments with people on your own schedule without ever having spoken to them. To leave me in limbo for nearly a month, only to make 3 calls, leaving 2 voicemails in less than 24 hours, and to not check their own voicemail in a week was just the cherry on top.
If you see any similarities here to any of your processes, I would recommend doing an analysis into things like how much of your time is wasted being stood up in meetings or how much you are paying assistants to set meetings that you get stood up for and because no one checks the voicemail. (Just a few petty thoughts.)
What This Means for Neurodivergent Leaders
As leaders, we should be in constant communication with all stakeholders. That can include your team, your bosses/leadership, your clients, investors, potential clients, partner organizations, etc. It can be overwhelming for anyone (which is why, I suspect, very few actually do it), but especially for those of us with executive dysfunction. Some of us are prone to overcommunicate, while others undercommunicate, and I have yet to meet a neurodivergent person who has never had issues with how they communicated something being taken in a way contrary to how they meant it.
I have found that in the times when it was difficult to talk, having a script to work from really helped. In the times when I had a million things running through my mind and had to verbalize every single one to sort them all out to figure out what’s relevant, a template with questions to stick to was helpful to stay on task and keep the attentions of the appropriate people. When creating either of these for yourself, keep in mind:
What, exactly, does this person need to know? This can include things like:
Times they need to be somewhere
Where they need to be
Who might be there
Who is responsible for what
When do they need to know it?
Is there so much time between now and when they need to use it that they will forget?
Is there too little time for them to prepare?
Are they already booked for that time?
Why do they need to know it? And why is this the way we do it?
That last question is good to have as institutional knowledge, so we learn from our mistakes and don’t repeat them. But also so we can assess whether trying something different could be helpful!
But chances are, while they need to know something, they don’t need to know that George was 3 minutes late yesterday because of traffic (for example).
Tips & Action Steps for Better Communication
I’ve already shared a few tips for specific communication issues above, but here’s a few things you can do moving forward that works with just about everyone you would be communicating with in a leadership capacity.
Actively listen: when someone is telling you something you may not want to hear, keep a cool head. Don’t get defensive. Listen to what they’re saying, and creatively problem solve within the bounds of your mission.
It’s also good to learn to recognize if what they are telling you is actually what they mean, or if it’s a symptom of overwhelm in another capacity that made them hit their limit. You could just be convenient or the straw that broke the camel’s back. (So don’t take it personally.)
Ask powerful questions to understand the whole story.
Check in 1-on-1: I normally recommend this most for your teams, the people you work with day in and day out. But I’ve also done this with students, organization partners, and other leaders. It’s a way to gauge where they’re at mentally (are they in the headspace to hear you?) while also giving them space to feel listened to and build trust.
Get my FREE Guide to 15-minute Employee Check-ins for ND Leaders here!
Annual Performance Reviews: This is for members of your team, specifically. Many businesses and organizations don’t do them, and the ones that I have gone through myself were traumatizing. These should be a chance for you to check in with each team member on their personal and professional goals, and gauge how YOU, as their leader, can best help them reach those goals. And if you have leaders of your own, it’s always nice to get regular feedback, rather than only when you have made a mistake, isn’t it?
Get my guide on How to do Annual Performance Reviews here!
Put it in writing: if you are acting legally and ethically you should have no fear of putting anything in writing. For some things, I would start with a face-to-face conversation (hard/bad news delivery, good news delivery, brainstorming solutions, etc.), but it’s often a good idea to send a follow-up email to make sure everyone walked away from that conversation with the same understanding.
Not only does this work for conversations, but having SOPs for each task really clears up a lot of confusion! It’s clearly written down for anyone to just pick up and run with it in a pinch, and there will be minimal interruption to operations. If you want something done right, just write it down!
Get my SOP Template and Master List here!
Remember Rumi’s 3 Gates: Before you speak, let your words pass through 3 gates.
Is it true?
Is it necessary?
Is it kind?
This includes: Is it helpful?
In all communication, with anyone, always remember to Focus on the Mission and Be Kind.
